planet-nifty.co.uk

The astonishing true story of how an orphaned boy, sent to boarding school, recedes into an inner world where he imagines himself as a famous wizard winning dangerous magical tournament and getting the girls while, in reality he is bullied and tormented by his classmates and exiled from most levels of social interaction among his peers. Young Mr potter finally comes to find friendship in the unlikely form of a life-size teddybear of a ginger child, normally used for stress-relief ginger boxing, that he names “Ronny”.

Harry and Ronny have many wonderful adventures until, in an argument about who gets to win the chamberpot, playfully dubbed the cup of wiz, one evening. Ronny brutally beats Harry and forces him to drink from the cup of wiz. As a last act of retaliation against his cuddly opressor, Harry ties Ronny up while he sleeps and sets fire to the bed, accidentally burning the school down in the process and killing two students and five faculty members.

Harry is finally imprisoned for his crimes in Azerbaijan prison where he is regularly beaten and raped by an old lifer named ‘Big Ron’ proving once and for all the existence of god.
What a relief.

Format: Doovde

Region: Blueberry (Do you remember when it mattered what region DVD you bought?)

Humans: A swarm of mathematically predictable, carbon-rich, meat sacks.

I simply must try harder to perceive people as more than just mathematically predictable meat sacks. But they are very crunchy… And strangely moreish. But I don’t think I could eat more than, maybe three.

This post was originally scheduled for Tue 15th but it seems to be raining spam out there in internet land.

By my estimates, today will see our 1,000th spam comment on this glorious website, so I thought I’d share a few words to mark the occasion…

Ahem…

Kindly f*ck off!

Sorry folks, I have very short patience for even commercial advertising, but comment spam is possibly the most annoying thing I’ve ever encountered (except Quentin Tarantino of course). So I want to finally set the record straight…

I don’t want to rent SEO services from a company who don’t have real email addresses, I don’t want to buy cheap pharmaceuticals online, I’m quite happy with the size of my penis, the quotes from books would be marginally interesting if I didn’t get each one three times, I’m not interested in seeing 40 links to spammy and virus infested sites, I don’t want to confirm my bank account details with you, I can’t help you transfer international funds, I don’t want a job receiving money, I’m not going to email you for pictures of naked celebrities and that massive post in Russian doesn’t even make sense in Russian.

… phew, did I miss anyone? Oh well.

I wonder if spammers get this much spam.

His and hers is a marketing term to describe a product in two variations each lacking in practical merit by itself, but illustrated as being useful for a specific gender in comparison to the other.

For example, his and hers toilet paper;

‘his toilet paper’ is inexplicably large – too large to fit on a toilet roll holder – and the single sheet paper is so thin, you need to fold it into four to make any reasonable use of it.  Its key selling point is that each roll is long enough to wrap around Manhattan.

Meanwhile, ‘her toilet paper’ is triple ply with scented notions and embossed with pretty patterns so deeply that one roll is likely to last for only 1.3 sittings but promises to feel like wiping yourself with a soft fluffy puppy… nice.

Regrettably his and hers products are surprisingly successful thanks to advertising campaigns that offer the illusion of choice. Eg. “his and hers toilet paper. Which one will you choose.” Which of course implies that you would choose either of them.

The Breakfast of Champions – a term originally used to describe any potentially nutritious breakfast cereal endorsed by a sporting hero, is now used to describe a completely ridiculous breakfast containing at least 2000 calories and boasting no nutritional value.

For example, ricycles and doughnuts cereal.

Dee-lish!